#'(LAMBDA NIL NIL)

You folks ever heard that song "The Christmas Shoes"? Contemporary Christian light rock song from 2000, by some group called "NewSong", that I only know about from an episode of the Nostalgia Chick. And while I like the Nostalgia Chick, I almost think I was happier not knowing about this song.

In case you haven't heard this song, or heard of it... It's an "inspirational" contemporary Christian song about a man who is doing his Christmas shopping, not feeling the spirit of the season, when he spies a little boy ahead of him in line, trying to buy some pretty women's shoes. The boy doesn't have quite enough, and he starts crying and says he wants to buy the shoes for his dying mother, so she can feel pretty before she dies. And the singer buys the shoes for the boy, who then runs home, while the guy sings that "God must have sent that little boy to remind me what Christmas is all about."

Sounds like regular Christmasy glurge, but if you look deeper, you get into some really dark and awful ideas. Truth be told, I have nothing but contemptuous rage for the sort of theology that this song espouses. Without the last bit, it'd just be a bit of "I did what I could to help someone in pain, and it reminded me that I was losing sight of the true meaning blah blah blah," and that'd be fine. Saccharine, but fine.

But the last verse is where I go from "oh, come on already" to "GRAAAAAAH RAGEFLIP A TABLE!" Seriously, what it's saying is, "God sent this little boy with his horrible, traumatic parental death and his sad, pathetic attempt at a materialistic token of affection, to remind ME, yes, ME, what Christmas is all about. God put suffering in this child's life to teach ME a lesson!"

Seriously, dude thinks that God, the purported CREATOR of the FUCKING UNIVERSE, who apparently is all good and all loving and all knowing, chose to deliberately send horror into the life of this innocent child just so he, the beardy guy warbling this song, could learn a valuable lesson?! Never mind that any god which did so would be an EVIL god, unworthy of human worship, but who the FUCK are you, Mr NewSong Lead Singer Guy? What about YOU warrants the personal attention of the Creator of All Things, especially to teach you the sort of lesson you could get off any Hallmark card, and ESPECIALLY especially when the means of teaching you is killing an innocent woman, leaving this boy without his mother?!

Of all the narcissistic, entitled, myopic, egotistically masturbatory...AAAAAARGH! I HATE YOU CHRISTMAS SHOES SINGER AND I HOPE YOUR BEARD CATCHES FIRE WHILE YOU'RE TRYING TO GIVE YOURSELF CONGRATULATORY SELF-FELLATIO AND YOU DIE IN AN OUROBOROS OF ONANISTIC COMBUSTION!!!!

*ahem* So, yeah. Doesn't please me very much.

Nostalgia Chick's review is funny, though:

http://blip.tv/nostalgia-chick/nostalgia-chick-the-christmas-shoes-5810388

Thanks to my practice of giving bizarre tags to batshit insane fundie books on Amazon, there are now ten books under "autoerotic blowtorch sodomy".

I feel I've really accomplished something.

Edit: Some of my friends have been busy. It's up to 13 now.

Seriously. This is truly the best thing in existence.





It's an actual Time Cube.

"The last transmission will occur at the apex."

"And so it begins..."

Edit: Alright alright, this is what I'm referring to.

I'm all in favor of people inventing new and interesting ways to experience each other sexually. So long as everyone involved is a consenting adult human, nobody is injured, and everyone has a good time, I don't care what two or more people enjoy doing in the privacy of their own home/hotel room/RV/tent/empty field in the middle of nowhere with a wisk, a can of shaving foam, cellophane, tights, and a miner's helmet. I may not want to see the pictures, mind you, but I figure, as long as it's safe, sane, and consensual, whatever! I really don't care who's doing who, what they're doing with each other, and where they bought the equipment...usually.

There are, however, some things I happen upon which I think are truly screwed up and wrong. Things like the Gigimo Artificial Virginity Hymen.

The description, unedited:

No more worry about losing your virginity. With this product, you can have your first night back anytime. Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable. Its easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.

I think it should be obvious why my reaction to this was (no pun intended), "What the FUCK?"

Are there really that many men out there who care that badly about their girlfriends or wives being virgins, that there is a market for such a thing? Apparently, there are. And apparently, there are enough women who feel, for whatever reason, that they must deceive their boyfriends or husbands into thinking they are virgins through the use of this device.

I would imagine that women who buy and use these devices do so to protect themselves from retribution, either from their boyfriends or husbands, or the larger community; it's not unheard of in some places for men who find that their new wives are not virgins, to kill them as a matter of "honor", or for the woman's family to do the same. And even if that's not the case, they may suffer great public shaming and social ostracism.

This is one of those things where, at first, I laugh, but then the implications hit me, and I sigh and get depressed. The sheer batshit insane patriarchal fuckedupitude is absurd on one level, but on another, it's deadly serious.

I saw this and immediately thought of xuincherguixe.





That's right, squirrel armor.

There is also dog armor.

xuincherguixe IMed me, as is his wont, to tell me about yet another of his horrible ideas that would not only drive mortal men and women to madness, not merely make Great Cthulhu scream in horror, but make even such blasphemous avatars of insanity as Tom Cruise blink and say "That shit ain't right, yo."

I speak of this suggestion: "How about one of those stupid buddy cop movies, only with Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey?"

As I asked him in reply, does he hate me? Does he want me to claw my eyes out in order to make the visions stop?

Well, the answer, of course, is yes. But we like to share, so here are some other ideas I came up with, partly as revenge. I present them here in limpingpigeon-friendly bulleted list style!

• A romantic comedy starring Christopher Walken and Sharon Stone.


• David Spade and Paris Hilton team up for a production of Faust in the original German.


• Val Kilmer and Michael Douglas star in Waiting for Godot.


• Angelina Jolie and Andy Dick in a romantic drama.


• Do the buddy cop flick, but with Hayden Christiansen and Bea Arthur.

I'd say that's a fine (read: awful) starting list. Any other ideas, while your brains have yet to liquify and bleed out of your ears?