flewellyn | Ask Yitzak: Reader mail answered!

Well, since his last entry was such a hit, Yitzak has urged me (with much poking) to let him at the keyboard once again.

Good evening once again. I, Yitzak, have decided to undertake this opportunity to answer some of the questions posed by readers of my prior missive. Herein I shall attempt to shed some light, and no small amount of fur, upon the mysteries of felinity.

First, one

randallsquared asks: "why do cats -- and I have a specific Cat in mind -- find it necessary to lick a human wrist? But only that one wrist, and never the other?"

As I am unacquainted with the cat in question, I can only speculate on the reasons for this behavior. I know of several felines who are fond of licking human skin, for reasons unfathomable; I myself do not engage in this pastime, as I find the prospect of grooming a mostly hairless ape less than appealing. One possible explanation, of course, is that your wrist has somehow come into contact with an edible substance which is appealing to cats, such as meat, dairy products, eggs, or something else appropriate. However, I would endeavour to assume that you would not find such a response perplexing; therefor, I must assume that you have not done so.

Allow me to consult with my fellow resident feline, Miette, who is the cat most fond of licking humans; she undertakes on regular occasions to use her tongue to groom our Flew-human, even to the point of licking his armpits, an act by which I admit some perplexity. Here is what Miette has to say on the subject:

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Alas, Miette was not particularly helpful. I fear her typing skills are sadly underdeveloped. I would dictate her response, but it was also singularly unhelpful: she merely said "Tasty!" and resumed her prior activity, that of laying on her back on the floor whilst cuddling her tennis ball.

In summary, I fear I cannot answer definitively. I would only assure you that it is extremely unlikely your feline companion is contemplating devouring your flesh; in general, we do not find the taste of human flesh particularly satisfying, and it is as well most difficult to procure.

naamah_darling inquires about feline excretory ettiquette:

"Why is it that some cats won't cover up their poop? I mean, I'm not talking a cat that won't properly use a dirty box. I could excuse that. I'm talking about a cat that won't properly use a freshly-cleaned box full of virgin litter that has been combed perfectly flat. It is the ideal pooping environment, and yet ONE of my cats does not feel the need to cover her business when she is done. She leaves it sitting on the surface of the crystals like a breached sandworm, or a thoughtful gift."

A lamentable situation, to be sure; most felines find the scent of our own feces as unpleasant as do you humans. Moreso, in fact, since we possess greater olfactory sensitivity. Therefor, it is quite uncommon for us to leave our, well, leavings, uncovered. Our local exception is Miette, but I fear she lacks the ability to aim properly. Since, from your description, these emissions of execrable excretory effluvia are deliberate, I can only assume that the feline in question is attempting to assert her dominance over the household.

In such cases, I fear the best response depends upon the attentiveness and intellectual capacities of the feline in question. You could attempt to explain the situation to her, and inform her that her odors are undesirable. However, I am given to understand that this particular cat, if it is indeed the one I suspect, may not respond to such coaxing. In such case, I will ask if this cat is expected to share her litter tray with other felines; if she is particularly antisocial, she may be displaying her leavings as a means of asserting dominance over the others, and this might thus be ameliorated by providing her with her own litter tray.

Alternatively, you could attempt punitive measures; while ordinarily I would strongly discourage humans from attempting to assert control over their feline owners, I am told that the being in question may not, in fact, be a true cat, but some form of ambulatory fungus, which has taken feline form for whatever dastardly purpose. In such cases, I have no qualms recommending the use of spray bottles to inform the creature that she is to cover her extrusions.

I shall now turn my attention to the queries of one

limpingpigeon, who asks:

"First, what is so great about cardboard? Every feline I have had the pleasure to get to know can't wait to lie down and nap on pieces of cardboard, or any paper product for that matter."

What you must understand about feline sleeping and reclining habits, is that we above all value a variety in the textures of the surfaces upon which we are recumbent. In a wilderness setting, we would of course have access to the various textures of the ground, fallen leaves, tree branches, rocks, and the like. When indoors, we find human dwellings lack the same variety. Therefor, when presented with a new surface, we are likely to endeavour to "check it out", as it were.

As for cardboard in particular? Well, I myself am not especially fond of it, but Miette is quite well known for her love of cardboard, paper, and plastic bags as sleeping surfaces. I'm uncertain of the reason, but I suspect that it may relate to her fondness for creating undue amounts of noise.

"Second, my feline companion is the rugged outdoorsy type and an accomplished hunter. He often brings home his catches in an apparent attempt to share and seems frustrated when I don't wish to partake in the kill. Can you advise me a polite way to tell him that while I appreciate the gesture, raw squirrels and baby bunnies are not part of my regular human diet?"

As a former hunter myself, I understand the urge to share the bounty of my prowess with my humans. However, as I have learned, humans rarely appreciate the gift. My advice to you would be to simply place the slain prey outside, where your feline companion can dine at his leisure. It is, I think, enough for him to know that you appreciate his skills.

Finally, it seems a group of felines have chosen to correspond with me, under the name

anonkitties. I bid you welcome!

"Can you give us tips on how to better manage our human? We don't feel like she feeds us nearly enough. I mean, come on, we *need* 8 meals per day!!!! She feeds us 2-3 times, at most! And no midnight snacks, either.

How do we correct this?

And why does she get mad when we spill the water?"

Alas, I fear I shall have difficulty correcting you in your misapprehensions. It is, in fact, a poor idea for felines to eat more than three or four times per day, especially in large quantities. I find that the constant desire Miette displays for food and drink is quite unseemly; of course, she herself is quite unseemly, and does not seem to care, so I suppose there is little sense in objecting. Nevertheless, I would urge you to moderate your feeding habits.

As for spilling water, I believe this is mostly irritating because of the strange human desire to keep their dwellings "clean", free of dirt and moisture. Now, I am a cat who has seen much of this world, and as far as I can discern, the entire planet is constructed of dirt and moisture; attempting to keep these aspects of the natural environment from entering their artificial dwellings would thus seem to be yet one more human behavior which is ultimately futile.

I hope that my answers have been helpful, or at least enlightening. Now, I shall bid you good evening, as I have much to do. Bella informs me that the time has come for us to dash madly about the dwelling chasing each other, in that solemn ritual which our Flew-human has termed "Apeshit Time". It is a serious responsibility, but one I relish the opportunity to perform. Ciao, and miao.

Got more questions for Yitzak? He's here more than Flew is!