Evil plotting.

[flewellyn]

Recently, xuincherguixe and I were discussing the subject of video games. Namely, what sort would we make if we were inclined to try and create some of our own?

This, as you might imagine, is not a good thing for us to be speculating about. You see, xuincherguixe is quite insane, and I am almost as silly. The concepts which we created are...well, not evil, precisely, but definitely odd.

Our idea? The Jim Lorfen series of games. In the same vein as "Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri", or "Sid Meier's Civilization", or perchance "Sid Meier's Railroads", we would have games credited to "Jim Lorfen".

So, you would end up with "Jim Lorfen's Squirrel Raiser", "Jim Lorfen's Pastry Trebuchet", or "Jim Lorfen's Battle Moth".

Who is Jim Lorfen? No idea. Not the foggiest. Nor would the games (or the manuals) tell anyone who he is, or is not.

But the fun doesn't stop there. As the sample titles I gave above may indicate, we came up with a few...interesting ideas for games, which I shall now present here, because I thought it would be fun. Also, I need to fill space.

• Pastry Trebuchet! A 3D version of "Rampart" or "Scorched Earth", played with siege engines that hurl large, exploding baked goods. Each type of pastry, whether a pie, a tart, a strudel, or what have you, would have different effects, such as extra damage, greater damage radius, lower calories, fruit filling, and so on. Not a game for the diabetic.


• Squirrel Raiser! Vaguely similar to "Act Raiser", in that it combines action and combat with sim-style construction, this game has you take the role of the Master Squirrel, leading your furry rodent subjects in a bid to take back their park and forest homelands from the evil...well, we haven't worked that part out yet. Probably ninja raccoons, or giant battle robots.


• Battle Moth! Combat flight sim action, arthropod style! Fly moths, butterflies, dragonflies, and other insects as they battle over the backyard, firing venom blasts, egg missiles, and other weapons at each other in a bid for supremacy! You'd have to refuel by drinking nectar from flowers, and of course avoid the porch light and the bug zapper. I envision the landing zones being illuminated by rows of fireflies.


• Xtreme Dishwasher! An RPG, you are a dishwasher (probably a Whirlpool) trying to discover the secrets of your past and avenge the death of your refridgerator father. Battle appliances and other home equipment in a bid to defeat the ultimate evil, Lord Lawnmower.


• Mortal Debate! Take debate team to the next level in this verbal-fighting game, in which you must choose the right argument or counter-argument in order to use your special powers to defeat your opponent! Each point made means a punch, kick, thrown fireball, or what have you; each point lost means you're one step closer to the dreaded "QEDality!"


• Tree Simulator! Simulate the life of a tree. Um...stand there and photosynthesize. Pollinate. Grow fruit. How do you like them apples?

So, that's the ideas we've come up with so far. Got any others, folks?

Remember, if it made sense, it wouldn't be a Jim Lorfen game!

Comments

[allthelivesofme.livejournal.com]

I would so buy Squirrel Raiser. :-D

[flewellyn.livejournal.com]

Why am I not surprised?

Me, I'm all about Battle Moth.

[xuincherguixe.livejournal.com]

It's not that the games are credited to him. His name just is in the title.

[moronqueen.livejournal.com]

Xtreme Dishwasher! An RPG, you are a dishwasher (probably a Whirlpool) trying to discover the secrets of your past and avenge the death of your refridgerator father. Battle appliances and other home equipment in a bid to defeat the ultimate evil, Lord Lawnmower.

I would TOTALLY get that one...the Fridge is, after all, my relm.

[coffeegrace.livejournal.com]

I think Battle Moth would be an awesome game! And you could learn about the different types of moths while you play. :-)

[flewellyn.livejournal.com]

Indeed. "For this mission, you'll be flying the new Luna Moth, fully armed. Expect heavy resistance from the bees: they've deployed bumblebees along the front line, along with a flight of yellowjackets."

[apocalypticbob.livejournal.com]

In the era of gamer girls, let's not forget the fairer sex:

"Jim Lorfen's Resident Runway" - This first person vomiter has you battling your way through the hoardes of anorexic models searching for the perfect place for one last purge before sliding into their haute couture. Can you be the first to zip up your size 00 and slide past Tyra Banks, or will you land on the tabloid pages with Kate Moss? Lob cans of Diet Coke and mobile phones at assistants to make them move faster as you work your way up to Supermodel status.

[flewellyn.livejournal.com]

HA! That's a good one. Unfortunately, it's less "funny" and more "scarily accurate".

[xuincherguixe.livejournal.com]

I could see myself making a game that sarcastic. But I think that the Jim Lorfen games aren't going to be that dark.

I don't want to obfuscate that kind of social commentary, and I want to make it clear who people should send their death threats and letter bombs too.

[apocalypticbob.livejournal.com]

Oh...this game must be from Jim's bitter ex wife, Jill Lorfen...*chuckles*

[xuincherguixe.livejournal.com]

Or, his other personality he believes he's married too. Jim Lorfen unsurprisingly is a deeply disturbed game developer who seriously needs help. Every so often he puts on a dress and starts coming up with the twisted things. Jill Lorfen's dispose of the bodies. Jill Lorfen's your skin is so pretty.

Yeah.


Of course none of this backstory will be explained either. Or ever come up again because it's just a bunch of nonsense I made up on the spot that has nothing to do with anything.

[apocalypticbob.livejournal.com]

Of course, because the depths of Jim Lorfen's psyche have no business being plumbed in that manner. It's rude to go poking around in the minds of people you don't even know. Who do you think you are? The IRS?

Just enjoy the games, right?

[flewellyn.livejournal.com]

I should have known you two would get along. :-)

[apocalypticbob.livejournal.com]

That's because you are a magnet for the psychotic and strange...*chuckles*

[flewellyn.livejournal.com]

Is this why you're my friend, then?

[apocalypticbob.livejournal.com]

But of course!

[mrz80.livejournal.com]

Squirrel Raiser! Vaguely similar to "Act Raiser", in that it combines action and combat with sim-style construction, this game has you take the role of the Master Squirrel, leading your furry rodent subjects in a bid to take back their park and forest homelands from the evil...well, we haven't worked that part out yet. Probably ninja raccoons, or giant battle robots

Obvious nemesis would be hordes of slingshot-wielding ten year olds. If you can capture the slingshot, you can defeat the level boss by firing acorns with the slingshot.

Lorfen game

[greykev.livejournal.com]

So, that's the ideas we've come up with so far. Got any others, folks?

Remember, if it made sense, it wouldn't be a Jim Lorfen game!

Jim Lorfen's Pond Life Sim! Begin as a lowly minnow dodging predators, seeking food, and hoping one day to become the Big Fish! Action game mode allows your fish to "mutate" from trout to sturgeon to sun fish to take advantage of special abilities. Battle snapping turtles, ducks, humans and pollution for dominance of the pond! Special: you and a friend can play co-op; you as the fish, him as a tadpole, watch eachother's backs and don't be fooled by bright colored lures!