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flewellynOkay, you all have noticed I haven't been posting as much lately. There are reasons for that, mostly having to do with a major crisis in the lives of several friends of mine. I'm putting it behind a cut, because it involves some MAJOR TRIGGERING SHIT for anyone who has dealt with sexual assault.
Seriously. I don't post trigger warnings at the drop of a hat, so be aware.
Here is the circle of people involved (initials only): there's my gamers, S, KI, and A. KI is the 13 year old daughter of my good friend M. There's also KG, who is my friend and friends with S and KI.
So, it starts a few months back, with S. S is sweet, and geeky, but a bit naive, very socially awkward, and sheltered. Also, I think, an undiagnosed Aspie. But, anyway, she is in her mid-20s and has zero dating history. None.
Well, at her workplace (she works in a large superstore kind of place), she met a guy, who I will call J. J, she told me, was a great guy, funny and sensitive and into the same things she was and he liked her for who she was and told her she was beautiful and and and...well, she talked him up pretty heavily.
I, along with KG, decided we had to meet him. If he was as great as S said, hey, that's wonderful! And if he wasn't, we wanted to know, because we frankly felt protective of S.
So, one day, we went to meet J at their workplace. My immediate impression was "This guy is a dumbass." Followed swiftly by "And he engages in bullshit macho posturing. I really don't care how big your dick is, dude." But, I kind of swallowed it for S's sake.
S, unfortunately, is a major sufferer of several Geek Social Fallacies. In particular, GSF 4 ("friendship is transitive") and GSF 5 ("friends do everything together"). So, she started insisting that J come along to various things we did together, like gaming sessions. I was okay with this for one time, but it became an almost weekly thing...which was seriously trying my patience, as well as A's. A is a socially somewhat reserved young woman, and while she's not opposed to meeting new people, she's quite selective in who she chooses to hang out with. Frankly, I feel the same way, although I'm not quite as selective as she is.
But, we couldn't really say anything to S, because 1) she was truly infatuated with the guy, and 2) we really didn't have anything more than "he annoys and disturbs us". So, we sucked it up to keep the peace.
This turned out to be a bad idea.
I started getting worried when S called me at work while she and J were officially dating. She told me "I'm worried about J!" To which I replied, "Umm, okay...does he need a doctor?"
S: "Well, he says he's in pain..."
Me: "Okay, sounds like he needs a doctor."
S: "Erm, it's not that...he says it hurts...y'know...down there..."
Me: "DEFINITELY needs a doctor. Why is he wasting time talking to you?"
S: "Umm...he says it's because he hasn't had sex in a week..."
Internally, I think "You're FUCKING kidding, right? Seriously?" But, aloud, I just responded with, "Well, tell him he can rub one out in the shower, for God's sake!" This made S laugh, but it also stopped the conversation, which was just as well, because I was about out of patience. But, she did in fact tell him this, and refuse to have sex with him. One thing to say about S, she has strong personal boundaries about physical contact, and will enforce them.
A few days later, they broke up. Hmmmm.....
Well, nonetheless, they were still "friends", so I continued to bite the bullet and make nice...though I became disturbed at how "goofy" J started acting towards KI. Remember, KI is 13. J, I should note, is 30. It didn't cross the line into anything genuinely inappropriate, but it made me uncomfortable. I spoke to KI's mother, M, about it, and we agreed to keep our eyes open. I tried to speak to S, but she insisted that there was no problem, and I was just being mean because I didn't like J.
I wish that had been all it was.
Come a few weeks later, J one day decides to post an anime still on Facebook, featuring a naked woman in the arms of a naked man (full frontal!), and tag it with KI's name. Yes. On the woman.
Now, KI has been an anime fan for some time, and has seen such risque pictures before. That wasn't the problem, as far as I (and M) were concerned. No, the problem was a 30 year old man tagging her in such a picture. M was gentle at first, saying "Don't you think KI is too young for this?" Trying to give him an out to explain himself. J reacted angrily, accusing her of making a big deal out of nothing. This was the point at which M replied, simply and clearly, "YOU WILL NOT SPEAK TO MY DAUGHTER AGAIN."
That dealt with, we had to go confront S. So, we went over to her workplace and met her after work, to try and talk to her. It was me, M, KI, and S's parents (involving them was a bad idea, in hindsight, because it triggered S's defensive reactions). S was really angry at how we were "making a big deal out of nothing" and "maybe it was an accident". (How do you accidentally tag someone on Facebook?) We did manage to force the issue into her head, though, and make her understand that this was not a matter of not liking J. As I explained to both S and KI, he had crossed a line we dare not allow anyone to cross. They seemed to understand.
Following this incident, M and S's mother both went to the police to try and see if there was any legal action they could take. There wasn't, the police said, due to lack of evidence (I am told by a prosecutor friend that this is bullshit, but cops expending effort? HA!). M tried to get a restraining order, but again lacked proof of genuine harm, or at least any that would convince a judge. Still, M tried to tell herself that at least the police now had a paper trail of her concerns.
Well. Fast forward a bit, and KI is all of a sudden doing a lot of texting with someone. M asks her who it is she texts all the time, and she says "A boy at school, his name is Zero!" M lets it go at that, although she's a bit suspicious. If she had mentioned it to KG, KG would have immediately said "No, that's J. Zero is a character from an anime KI likes." But she didn't think to ask, because she didn't think her daughter would lie to her.
Then, about three weeks ago now, one morning, KI turns up missing. Not at her house. M goes in to get her up for school, and she's gone. So is her duffel bag, and a bunch of her clothes. This is at 7:00 in the morning. About 7:30, M calls me to ask if I've seen or heard from her. I had not. M and her fiance call the police and report KI missing. They send officers out to everywhere they think KI might turn up, including to S's workplace, where one of them asks her questions (and spooks her badly; she hates cops). Searches turn up nothing, until at about 10:30 or so, M calls me back and asks if I had any ideas.
I thought for a bit, and then said "What about J?"
Well, the police apparently looked a bit chagrined when M brought that up. They sent officers over, to knock on J's door. I am told that, after he refused to open the door, they had to break it down.
And that's where they found them. Together.
...yes. Yes, it is exactly as bad as you are thinking.
I got the call around noon, that KI had been found, and she was alive. "Is she okay?" I asked M.
M gave the answer I dreaded: "Umm, no. I have to take her to the hospital for a rape kit, emergency contraception, and STD tests."
Bottom dropped out of my stomach.
KI, I found out later, went over there because she was angry at her mother for not letting her see her friend. She wanted to go hang out and watch anime with him. J, however, had other intentions, and forced himself on her. He had her convinced that he was just an older, goofy pal, and...well, she's 13. How could she be expected to know better?
There are a few bright sides. KI started to blame herself for what happened, and M told her immediately, "No, honey. You mustn't ever blame yourself. It was him, he took advantage of you, he manipulated you. He is to blame, not you. Trust me, I've been where you are. Except not quite as young." KI replied that, she hadn't known that about her mother before, but this was the right time to find out.
Also, I am told KI was a real trooper through all of the medical stuff. She even texted me to make a joke about it. I had texted M to ask how things were, and KI replied:
KI: "Mom's driving. We're going back to the hospital, I threw up the EC."
Me: "This can't be pleasant for you."
KI: "Yeah, it's a real pain in the ass. Literally."
Me: "..."
KI: "It's okay, you can laugh. I'm told it's the best medicine."
If there can be good news in such a situation, it's this: KI is surrounded by people who care about her and don't blame her for what happened. She's been recuperating at home, doing a lot of reading and stuff. Also, hanging around her mom a lot more. They have apparently been bonding more than in the past. None of us have really talked to her about what happened; on advice of the Rape and Abuse people, we are avoiding the subject until KI brings it up. But we are making sure to let her know she's supported, and that we don't think ill of her.
One other piece of good news: no trial. J confessed. The dumbass actually BRAGGED about it to the police, I am told. He didn't think what he did was wrong, and was utterly shocked when charged with felony sexual assault.
As for me, my biggest concern is KI. Unfortunately, S has been a problem. She has been moody, grouchy, and hostile towards most of us, and whenever the subject comes up, she freaks out and begins shrieking. She even expressed anger towards KI, because she was pissed off that people at work kept asking her why the cops had come to talk to her. As if this was KI's fault.
I have, so far, restrained myself from decking S, but it's becoming difficult. She has shown no ability to understand how and why J was a bad person, who the real victim is in this situation, or why her feelings on the matter might just be of secondary importance. I chalk this up to her disability, but it is becoming harder and harder to have any kind of patience with this, let alone sympathy. I think S might be feeling guilty about her own role in this situation; she's not at fault for what happened, but she did introduce J to our circle. Unfortunately, she has no introspective capability to understand that she's feeling guilty, so she lashes out. It's trying my patience, which is not inconsiderable, but far from infinite.
So, that has been occupying a good deal of my time this past three weeks. As you might guess, I've been a bit preoccupied.
Seriously. I don't post trigger warnings at the drop of a hat, so be aware.
Here is the circle of people involved (initials only): there's my gamers, S, KI, and A. KI is the 13 year old daughter of my good friend M. There's also KG, who is my friend and friends with S and KI.
So, it starts a few months back, with S. S is sweet, and geeky, but a bit naive, very socially awkward, and sheltered. Also, I think, an undiagnosed Aspie. But, anyway, she is in her mid-20s and has zero dating history. None.
Well, at her workplace (she works in a large superstore kind of place), she met a guy, who I will call J. J, she told me, was a great guy, funny and sensitive and into the same things she was and he liked her for who she was and told her she was beautiful and and and...well, she talked him up pretty heavily.
I, along with KG, decided we had to meet him. If he was as great as S said, hey, that's wonderful! And if he wasn't, we wanted to know, because we frankly felt protective of S.
So, one day, we went to meet J at their workplace. My immediate impression was "This guy is a dumbass." Followed swiftly by "And he engages in bullshit macho posturing. I really don't care how big your dick is, dude." But, I kind of swallowed it for S's sake.
S, unfortunately, is a major sufferer of several Geek Social Fallacies. In particular, GSF 4 ("friendship is transitive") and GSF 5 ("friends do everything together"). So, she started insisting that J come along to various things we did together, like gaming sessions. I was okay with this for one time, but it became an almost weekly thing...which was seriously trying my patience, as well as A's. A is a socially somewhat reserved young woman, and while she's not opposed to meeting new people, she's quite selective in who she chooses to hang out with. Frankly, I feel the same way, although I'm not quite as selective as she is.
But, we couldn't really say anything to S, because 1) she was truly infatuated with the guy, and 2) we really didn't have anything more than "he annoys and disturbs us". So, we sucked it up to keep the peace.
This turned out to be a bad idea.
I started getting worried when S called me at work while she and J were officially dating. She told me "I'm worried about J!" To which I replied, "Umm, okay...does he need a doctor?"
S: "Well, he says he's in pain..."
Me: "Okay, sounds like he needs a doctor."
S: "Erm, it's not that...he says it hurts...y'know...down there..."
Me: "DEFINITELY needs a doctor. Why is he wasting time talking to you?"
S: "Umm...he says it's because he hasn't had sex in a week..."
Internally, I think "You're FUCKING kidding, right? Seriously?" But, aloud, I just responded with, "Well, tell him he can rub one out in the shower, for God's sake!" This made S laugh, but it also stopped the conversation, which was just as well, because I was about out of patience. But, she did in fact tell him this, and refuse to have sex with him. One thing to say about S, she has strong personal boundaries about physical contact, and will enforce them.
A few days later, they broke up. Hmmmm.....
Well, nonetheless, they were still "friends", so I continued to bite the bullet and make nice...though I became disturbed at how "goofy" J started acting towards KI. Remember, KI is 13. J, I should note, is 30. It didn't cross the line into anything genuinely inappropriate, but it made me uncomfortable. I spoke to KI's mother, M, about it, and we agreed to keep our eyes open. I tried to speak to S, but she insisted that there was no problem, and I was just being mean because I didn't like J.
I wish that had been all it was.
Come a few weeks later, J one day decides to post an anime still on Facebook, featuring a naked woman in the arms of a naked man (full frontal!), and tag it with KI's name. Yes. On the woman.
Now, KI has been an anime fan for some time, and has seen such risque pictures before. That wasn't the problem, as far as I (and M) were concerned. No, the problem was a 30 year old man tagging her in such a picture. M was gentle at first, saying "Don't you think KI is too young for this?" Trying to give him an out to explain himself. J reacted angrily, accusing her of making a big deal out of nothing. This was the point at which M replied, simply and clearly, "YOU WILL NOT SPEAK TO MY DAUGHTER AGAIN."
That dealt with, we had to go confront S. So, we went over to her workplace and met her after work, to try and talk to her. It was me, M, KI, and S's parents (involving them was a bad idea, in hindsight, because it triggered S's defensive reactions). S was really angry at how we were "making a big deal out of nothing" and "maybe it was an accident". (How do you accidentally tag someone on Facebook?) We did manage to force the issue into her head, though, and make her understand that this was not a matter of not liking J. As I explained to both S and KI, he had crossed a line we dare not allow anyone to cross. They seemed to understand.
Following this incident, M and S's mother both went to the police to try and see if there was any legal action they could take. There wasn't, the police said, due to lack of evidence (I am told by a prosecutor friend that this is bullshit, but cops expending effort? HA!). M tried to get a restraining order, but again lacked proof of genuine harm, or at least any that would convince a judge. Still, M tried to tell herself that at least the police now had a paper trail of her concerns.
Well. Fast forward a bit, and KI is all of a sudden doing a lot of texting with someone. M asks her who it is she texts all the time, and she says "A boy at school, his name is Zero!" M lets it go at that, although she's a bit suspicious. If she had mentioned it to KG, KG would have immediately said "No, that's J. Zero is a character from an anime KI likes." But she didn't think to ask, because she didn't think her daughter would lie to her.
Then, about three weeks ago now, one morning, KI turns up missing. Not at her house. M goes in to get her up for school, and she's gone. So is her duffel bag, and a bunch of her clothes. This is at 7:00 in the morning. About 7:30, M calls me to ask if I've seen or heard from her. I had not. M and her fiance call the police and report KI missing. They send officers out to everywhere they think KI might turn up, including to S's workplace, where one of them asks her questions (and spooks her badly; she hates cops). Searches turn up nothing, until at about 10:30 or so, M calls me back and asks if I had any ideas.
I thought for a bit, and then said "What about J?"
Well, the police apparently looked a bit chagrined when M brought that up. They sent officers over, to knock on J's door. I am told that, after he refused to open the door, they had to break it down.
And that's where they found them. Together.
...yes. Yes, it is exactly as bad as you are thinking.
I got the call around noon, that KI had been found, and she was alive. "Is she okay?" I asked M.
M gave the answer I dreaded: "Umm, no. I have to take her to the hospital for a rape kit, emergency contraception, and STD tests."
Bottom dropped out of my stomach.
KI, I found out later, went over there because she was angry at her mother for not letting her see her friend. She wanted to go hang out and watch anime with him. J, however, had other intentions, and forced himself on her. He had her convinced that he was just an older, goofy pal, and...well, she's 13. How could she be expected to know better?
There are a few bright sides. KI started to blame herself for what happened, and M told her immediately, "No, honey. You mustn't ever blame yourself. It was him, he took advantage of you, he manipulated you. He is to blame, not you. Trust me, I've been where you are. Except not quite as young." KI replied that, she hadn't known that about her mother before, but this was the right time to find out.
Also, I am told KI was a real trooper through all of the medical stuff. She even texted me to make a joke about it. I had texted M to ask how things were, and KI replied:
KI: "Mom's driving. We're going back to the hospital, I threw up the EC."
Me: "This can't be pleasant for you."
KI: "Yeah, it's a real pain in the ass. Literally."
Me: "..."
KI: "It's okay, you can laugh. I'm told it's the best medicine."
If there can be good news in such a situation, it's this: KI is surrounded by people who care about her and don't blame her for what happened. She's been recuperating at home, doing a lot of reading and stuff. Also, hanging around her mom a lot more. They have apparently been bonding more than in the past. None of us have really talked to her about what happened; on advice of the Rape and Abuse people, we are avoiding the subject until KI brings it up. But we are making sure to let her know she's supported, and that we don't think ill of her.
One other piece of good news: no trial. J confessed. The dumbass actually BRAGGED about it to the police, I am told. He didn't think what he did was wrong, and was utterly shocked when charged with felony sexual assault.
As for me, my biggest concern is KI. Unfortunately, S has been a problem. She has been moody, grouchy, and hostile towards most of us, and whenever the subject comes up, she freaks out and begins shrieking. She even expressed anger towards KI, because she was pissed off that people at work kept asking her why the cops had come to talk to her. As if this was KI's fault.
I have, so far, restrained myself from decking S, but it's becoming difficult. She has shown no ability to understand how and why J was a bad person, who the real victim is in this situation, or why her feelings on the matter might just be of secondary importance. I chalk this up to her disability, but it is becoming harder and harder to have any kind of patience with this, let alone sympathy. I think S might be feeling guilty about her own role in this situation; she's not at fault for what happened, but she did introduce J to our circle. Unfortunately, she has no introspective capability to understand that she's feeling guilty, so she lashes out. It's trying my patience, which is not inconsiderable, but far from infinite.
So, that has been occupying a good deal of my time this past three weeks. As you might guess, I've been a bit preoccupied.
