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Ronald Reagan did not die last week.
No, I don't believe he faked his death. Quite the opposite: he faked living, ever since 1981. When he was shot in 1981
by John Hinckley, he actually died in the hospital. He was then reanimated by a cabal of fundamentalist Christian
necromancers. The dark arts they used to revive his still-cooling corpse involved, among other blasphemies,
the blood of young welfare children, ominous astrological portents, invocations of the dark and terrible demons
Gip-pher and Bon-zho, and worst of all, the complete works of Pat Boone on 8-track.
Once reanimated, the semi-sentient zombie Reagan continued as President in public, while in private his staff
managed the day to day work of running the country into the ground. Reagan's schedule was, as reported
by the media, managed by Nancy Reagan, who consulted with a prominent astrologer (as ordered by the
necromancers) to determine the best times to have Ronald appear in public, so as to conceal his ever-slipping
grasp on the living world.
Ronnie was said to be, at various times during his first term, incoherent, fuzzy-headed, dissociated, and
in general "not all there". No one really noticed, since they'd come to expect this from him anyway.
Eventually, as the spirit of Reagan continually tried to flee the living world, and the magic began to
wane, Reagan's handlers realized they would need an excuse. So, they made up the whole "Alzheimer's"
thing.
Well, to make a long story short, the necromancers continued the rituals, year after year, required to keep
the aging zombie ex-President "alive" and at least semi-functional. However, this year, the magic finally
failed, due to it being 23 years after Ronald's real death. Why 23? Well, 23 is the number of death in
Christian necromancy, since psalm 23 is the psalm said at funerals: "Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death..."
So now, finally, Reagan is being laid to rest. I think his tormented spirit, driven insane by the long years
caught between life and death, will seek revenge upon those who tormented him for so long, particularly the two
evil masterminds who oversaw the process, who used this dark power to gain money, power, and fame, and who
will eventually (if not stopped) use these dread magics to rule the world.
That's right: the Olsen Twins.
No, I don't believe he faked his death. Quite the opposite: he faked living, ever since 1981. When he was shot in 1981
by John Hinckley, he actually died in the hospital. He was then reanimated by a cabal of fundamentalist Christian
necromancers. The dark arts they used to revive his still-cooling corpse involved, among other blasphemies,
the blood of young welfare children, ominous astrological portents, invocations of the dark and terrible demons
Gip-pher and Bon-zho, and worst of all, the complete works of Pat Boone on 8-track.
Once reanimated, the semi-sentient zombie Reagan continued as President in public, while in private his staff
managed the day to day work of running the country into the ground. Reagan's schedule was, as reported
by the media, managed by Nancy Reagan, who consulted with a prominent astrologer (as ordered by the
necromancers) to determine the best times to have Ronald appear in public, so as to conceal his ever-slipping
grasp on the living world.
Ronnie was said to be, at various times during his first term, incoherent, fuzzy-headed, dissociated, and
in general "not all there". No one really noticed, since they'd come to expect this from him anyway.
Eventually, as the spirit of Reagan continually tried to flee the living world, and the magic began to
wane, Reagan's handlers realized they would need an excuse. So, they made up the whole "Alzheimer's"
thing.
Well, to make a long story short, the necromancers continued the rituals, year after year, required to keep
the aging zombie ex-President "alive" and at least semi-functional. However, this year, the magic finally
failed, due to it being 23 years after Ronald's real death. Why 23? Well, 23 is the number of death in
Christian necromancy, since psalm 23 is the psalm said at funerals: "Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death..."
So now, finally, Reagan is being laid to rest. I think his tormented spirit, driven insane by the long years
caught between life and death, will seek revenge upon those who tormented him for so long, particularly the two
evil masterminds who oversaw the process, who used this dark power to gain money, power, and fame, and who
will eventually (if not stopped) use these dread magics to rule the world.
That's right: the Olsen Twins.
